Chore Wars

According to the author...ladies - we need to "let it go"...

So, there I was...camping at our cottage...enjoying 5 minutes of quiet time in the outhouse, when I came across this Time magazine someone had left for reading pleasure (which is EXACTLY what I felt like doing while not breathing through my nose).

Grabbing the magazine and heading back to the cottage, I was intrigued and began reading.  The author was a women, married with kids - so I automatically assumed she was on my "team".  Nope.  According to her article, research and pretty little graphs - we women need to "let it go" - men today now do the SAME amount around the house as us women.   50/50, "Even Stephen", half, straight down the middle...

I began to panic.  Was I living in an alternate reality?  Was I not the "norm"?  Did sheer circumstance lead me to surround myself with girlfriends who all enjoyed complaining about their hubbies lack of household participation?  Should I Photoshop my hubbies face onto this picture to pull out of my wallet to become a part of some elusive secret club I missed out on?

Then, I started thinking about what duties were required to run a household.  Childcare, paying bills, yardwork, organizing school lunches, cooking, grocery shopping and scooping cat poo out of the litterbox.  Yes - it is a big list...I will admit.  So I posed the question to my gals on Facebook.  I found it interesting that the cute photo of my daughter swimming on the beach got "5 likes" but this question prompted 34 replies in a matter of less than an hour.  Admit it ladies - we LOVE this battle!

Whether we feel like we take on most of the responsibilities, or that our spouses contribute equally...we love to talk about it.  For those of you who have hubbies that contribute equally - my hats off to you.  I will smile and nod over my glass of wine...but secretly will take a small amount of pleasure hoping you will step on a piece of Lego in your barefeet.

I have come to the conclusion that this is not a fight I want to try and win.  I have already won - so what's the point?  My uncanny ability to multi-task gives me the sheer advantage strictly due to my gender (as I sit here and "blog" the dishwasher is humming, the dryer is running, the kiddie pool in the backyard is draining...and I have one foot out the door to pick up the kids from daycamp before I swing into Staples to pick up some promotional material for work while grabbing some groceries for supper before feeding the kids lunch).

W-I-N-N-I-N-G!

True - this alternate reality may only exist in MY head, as I can't remember the last time I mowed the lawn or took my empty wine bottles back to the recycle depot. 

To quote a great friend of mine...maybe us women do need to "let it go" - not the battle so much, but the need for the "perfect" household.   I personally know that I had to let that need go along time ago...and we struggle daily with finding the "balance" of functionality, as well as the quality time with family. 

This is a free country - feel free to post your comments...because I only publish the good ones...

Camping No-no's

For several years now - our family and a fantastic group of friends have ventured down into the good ole' U.S. of A every Canada Day for a week's worth of camping.  We all share so much in common - from the number of children we all have under the age of 7 (two a piece...which multiplied by 4 families adds up to a total of...yes...8 KIDS...can you begin to see where this blog is heading?), to our husbands uncanny ability to have snoring contests during the night (Oh yes...THIS is going to go well...), to our LOVE of all things "wine" related (THIS could be the final undoing...)  Oh yes, fine people - how could this combination NOT be a recipe for camping success?

Here's what I have learned over the last 4 years...

1.  It is NOT a good idea to park your trailer on any type of slope.  Doing so will only magnify the queasy wobbly feeling you experience when going to the bathroom late at night after drinking several bottles of wine.

2.  2 a.m. rides on the playground merry-go round in the dark should be frowned upon.  There is probably a reason that merry-go-rounds have been BANNED in Canada, and falling into the bushes dizzy in the dark will cause a series of strange bruises and scrapes in the morning light.

3. No matter how yummy it is, a steady diet of bacon for 5 days eventually will catch up to you...and your children...who sit patiently on the campground bathroom toilet waiting for the next person to help them "wipe their bum".

4.  When at the lakefront beach with all 8 children under the age of 7 - it is a good idea to bring a series of noisemakers to grab the childrens attention.  Air-horns, trumpets, ice-cream truck music and exploding scud missiles work well - for ALL children become mostly deaf when their frantic parents are screaming at them to stop leaning over the edge of the dock to see the "fishies".  Should the noise maker actually cause them to fall in - the noise shocked crowd should be quiet long enough for you to yell "Hey, you on the dock...grab my kid!"...thus preventing you from having to leave your lawn chair.

5.  Just because you are in the STATES...does NOT mean things are free!  Yes, wine, beer and groceries like giant tubs of Cheese Puffs are half the price - but indulging in twice as much makes you twice as revolting.  Nothing says "sad" like a Canadian t-shirt wearing, tipsy, wobbly, air-horn totting momma sitting in a lawn chair with orange cheese puff dust all over her face.  Restraint can be a good thing...

6.  This one is a puzzler...but I may have figured out the solution to this age old problem.  Why...as parents do we wait until it is late at night, and dark to pump our children full of gooey marshmallows and chocolate around a smoky campfire and then LOSE our minds chasing them as they run around in a sugar induced frenzy in between various campers and tents as they belt out top 20 tunes with questionable lyrics?  I solve this problem by now feeding them s'mores for breakfast...

7.  Figure out a game plan to s-l-o-w-l-y wean your mate into the shock of the Target bill before you are in line at Canada Customs.  I tried for about an hour during the drive home to casually bring up the subject. "Soooo...WHAT is the amount that you can bring back again?"  "Sooo, did I tell you I found some great deals on PJ's for the kids and they should be set now until...college?"  The shock of the bill when you are next in line at the border is probably not a good face to be sporting to the Custom's Officer.  I tried to avoid this problem by cleverly handing the officer the Target receipt with a pleading puppy dog look and a little wink. 

And was then promptly strip searched...

Driving Distracted...

"Alberta’s new distracted driving law will come into effect on Sept. 1.

The new law bans the use of hand-held cellphones for talking or texting, watching DVDs, reading, writing and grooming while driving.

Violaters face a $172 fine."

I have a serious problem.  I am driving distracted.  I am living distracted.  I am sleeping and working and eating distracted.  Now - apparently, unless I somehow manage to successfully survive a lobotomy - I will now be at risk of having to pay a $172.00 fine every time I sit behind the wheel of a car.

Please, do not get me wrong.  I do not condone or make light of distracted drivers texting, talking, reading, sleeping, shaving or applying any sort of make-up product while behind the wheel of a car.  Fortunately - I find myself non "applicable" to all of the above distraction due to unfortunate circumstance.  Please - allow me to explain.

Texting and talking on a phone while driving requires one to actually be able to find a phone in the abyss I call a purse.  While I do occasionally hear a beep, or a ring or a reminder chime for a meeting that I missed last week coming from the depths of my bag...chances are pretty good that I have enough goldfish crackers, tampons, re-usable grocery bags and Wal-mart reciepts piled on top of it, that by the time I actually do feel something that resembles a phone - the battery has now died.  So - I have stopped trying.  I may just bite the bullet one day and buy a new phone, rather than continue to look for my old one...but THAT would involve me finding a wallet first...

Reading while driving - come on, seriously?  If I could find the time during the day to actually make my brain think about sounding out letters, and putting them in order to form a sentence that together makes another sentence turn into a paragraph - and then have time to process the meaning of it all...well - let's just say driving would be the last of my worries.  I will stick to reading the drive-thru menu at Starbucks to make sure I get the fancy name of my signature drink right...it's a decaf triple tall 5 pump vanilla, soy, no whip with caramel sauce mocha - say that one WRONG - and everyone thinks you are a real DORK!

Sleeping while driving...well - I will catch up on sleep once I am dead.  I have no time right now...

Shaving?  HA!  Now, granted - I think this would relate more to the men drivers out there - but I imagine there are a few ladies who feel it may be necessary to shave the stubble while speeding down the highway.  If this is you - my hat's off to you and your amazing flexibility.  These days I have a hard enough time bending over to tie my shoes (Viva la flip-flop!)  Me - most times I end up wearing yoga pants all summer because when I do find 5 minutes to shave my legs in the bathroom, my bathtub and shower are full of mermaid Barbies and "My Little Ponies" growing some weird green slime from the shampoo/soap potion my daughters created during their last unsupervised play date with the neighborhood kids.

Applying make-up while driving somehow manages to incorporate all of the above, including finding make-up products in the bottom of my purse pit, reading a label to make sure I am not applying mascara on my lips, sleeping (well, more like lack of sleeping...maybe sleep walking?), and locating my make-up drawer and make-up items (all 3 of them) in my green slime oozing, barbie infested bathroom.

No, my distraction comes from the serious condition of "busy brain" - where I can't STOP thinking.  Being alone in a car for any period of time allows a certain luxury of a thing I call...silence.  I will admit - there are times I have arrived home from somewhere, and had NO idea how I got there.  Apparently, one shouldn't daydream about joining a rock-band groupie tour and following them to some tropical country where everyone sips cocktails out of pineapples and hangs out on a beach laughing about the poor suckers in the 9-5 world.  It's NOT safe, people!  BAM!  15 minutes later, some Katy Perry song on the radio snaps you out of your fog and you are parked in front of a 7-11 with a pineapple flavored Minute Maid in your hand.

Not all of my distractions are daydreams - oh, no - the silence doesn't last for too long!  I also think about the serious day-to-day stuff too.  School permission forms, household bills, grocery lists, world peace and whether I can count wine as a daily serving of fruit... Now, add two sisters intent on killing each other, a deranged cat in a kennel trying to chew her way through the metal door, Justin Bieber music blasting from an Ipod dropped on the floor, the beeping of my phone indicating a dying battery, the uncomfortable feeling of a sticky granola bar mashed under my thigh, and the annoying radio commercial voice of "Bonnie Brooks" from The Bay.

I guess I will just practice "two hands on the wheel, driving with a blank expression/somewhat frozen smile on my face" and pray to god law enforcement doesn't invent some type of outer space device to read the distracted thoughts in my head.

Or, I could just take the bus...