Driving Distracted...

"Alberta’s new distracted driving law will come into effect on Sept. 1.

The new law bans the use of hand-held cellphones for talking or texting, watching DVDs, reading, writing and grooming while driving.

Violaters face a $172 fine."

I have a serious problem.  I am driving distracted.  I am living distracted.  I am sleeping and working and eating distracted.  Now - apparently, unless I somehow manage to successfully survive a lobotomy - I will now be at risk of having to pay a $172.00 fine every time I sit behind the wheel of a car.

Please, do not get me wrong.  I do not condone or make light of distracted drivers texting, talking, reading, sleeping, shaving or applying any sort of make-up product while behind the wheel of a car.  Fortunately - I find myself non "applicable" to all of the above distraction due to unfortunate circumstance.  Please - allow me to explain.

Texting and talking on a phone while driving requires one to actually be able to find a phone in the abyss I call a purse.  While I do occasionally hear a beep, or a ring or a reminder chime for a meeting that I missed last week coming from the depths of my bag...chances are pretty good that I have enough goldfish crackers, tampons, re-usable grocery bags and Wal-mart reciepts piled on top of it, that by the time I actually do feel something that resembles a phone - the battery has now died.  So - I have stopped trying.  I may just bite the bullet one day and buy a new phone, rather than continue to look for my old one...but THAT would involve me finding a wallet first...

Reading while driving - come on, seriously?  If I could find the time during the day to actually make my brain think about sounding out letters, and putting them in order to form a sentence that together makes another sentence turn into a paragraph - and then have time to process the meaning of it all...well - let's just say driving would be the last of my worries.  I will stick to reading the drive-thru menu at Starbucks to make sure I get the fancy name of my signature drink right...it's a decaf triple tall 5 pump vanilla, soy, no whip with caramel sauce mocha - say that one WRONG - and everyone thinks you are a real DORK!

Sleeping while driving...well - I will catch up on sleep once I am dead.  I have no time right now...

Shaving?  HA!  Now, granted - I think this would relate more to the men drivers out there - but I imagine there are a few ladies who feel it may be necessary to shave the stubble while speeding down the highway.  If this is you - my hat's off to you and your amazing flexibility.  These days I have a hard enough time bending over to tie my shoes (Viva la flip-flop!)  Me - most times I end up wearing yoga pants all summer because when I do find 5 minutes to shave my legs in the bathroom, my bathtub and shower are full of mermaid Barbies and "My Little Ponies" growing some weird green slime from the shampoo/soap potion my daughters created during their last unsupervised play date with the neighborhood kids.

Applying make-up while driving somehow manages to incorporate all of the above, including finding make-up products in the bottom of my purse pit, reading a label to make sure I am not applying mascara on my lips, sleeping (well, more like lack of sleeping...maybe sleep walking?), and locating my make-up drawer and make-up items (all 3 of them) in my green slime oozing, barbie infested bathroom.

No, my distraction comes from the serious condition of "busy brain" - where I can't STOP thinking.  Being alone in a car for any period of time allows a certain luxury of a thing I call...silence.  I will admit - there are times I have arrived home from somewhere, and had NO idea how I got there.  Apparently, one shouldn't daydream about joining a rock-band groupie tour and following them to some tropical country where everyone sips cocktails out of pineapples and hangs out on a beach laughing about the poor suckers in the 9-5 world.  It's NOT safe, people!  BAM!  15 minutes later, some Katy Perry song on the radio snaps you out of your fog and you are parked in front of a 7-11 with a pineapple flavored Minute Maid in your hand.

Not all of my distractions are daydreams - oh, no - the silence doesn't last for too long!  I also think about the serious day-to-day stuff too.  School permission forms, household bills, grocery lists, world peace and whether I can count wine as a daily serving of fruit... Now, add two sisters intent on killing each other, a deranged cat in a kennel trying to chew her way through the metal door, Justin Bieber music blasting from an Ipod dropped on the floor, the beeping of my phone indicating a dying battery, the uncomfortable feeling of a sticky granola bar mashed under my thigh, and the annoying radio commercial voice of "Bonnie Brooks" from The Bay.

I guess I will just practice "two hands on the wheel, driving with a blank expression/somewhat frozen smile on my face" and pray to god law enforcement doesn't invent some type of outer space device to read the distracted thoughts in my head.

Or, I could just take the bus...